Those of us who have teenagers, had teenagers, and were teenagers, know that this is a time of emotions running high and then low, attitudes galore, and much worry on the part of the parent. My own daughter just turned 13 and I can honestly say that I have been dreading this almost as much as I have dreaded having two teenage girls, which will happen in three years time. Maybe this was because I was pretty awful to my parents as a teenager. Maybe this is because I fear they will be anything like me during their adolescent years. No matter the reason, I have just looked at this time as a grin and bare it type situation, BUT not anymore.
There are a few reasons why my mindset has shifted. First, I have learned better how to manage my mind. I will no longer need them to be happy and pleasant for me to be happy and pleasant. More on that in another post. Second, I have learned to let them act exactly as they do. That is the way their brains are designed. One portion of a teen brain (primitive brain) is fully developed: the emotional portion that seeks pleasure and acceptance from peers. The portion that stops them from constantly seeking pleasure and stopping to think about consequences (prefrontal cortex) is not acting as a grown up brain does. Knowing this somehow just makes me feel better. My girls will do what all teenagers do, what I did because that's the way they are designed.
That doesn't mean that I will just sit back and watch and hope we all come out of it alive. There are tools I can give my teens to help them better develop the portion of the brain that will help them weigh consequences and think of someone other than themselves. One such tool is developing a mindfulness practice that strengthens the portion of the brain that makes them more adultish, the prefrontal cortex. They will be better able to control the portion of the brain that tells them to seek pleasure all of the time, the primitive brain.
Meditation is one such way to develop mindfulness. Teens spend so much time on social media that taking a break and sitting with themselves will only be a benefit to them. Body scans, focused breathing, and object focus are all different types of meditations that can help students detach from social media and spend time becoming more aware of their thoughts and feelings. Even a walk alone in nature is an excellent way to meditate and get outside at the same time. Spending time being mindful has more benefits than just taking a break from their phones. It is proven to help develop parts of the brain that will increase success in school and decrease emotions like stress, depression and anxiety, all heightened emotions in many teens.
Mindfulness has the ability to boost attentional control. This can help teens to focus on their teacher when giving a lecture or on a test. If the mind wanders, mindfulness helps them bring their focus right back to the task at hand. Mindfulness also assists in emotional regulation. Meditation is a chance for you to take a look at your current situation. You can train your brain to remind yourself that at this very moment you are safe. A negative emotion, thought or circumstance is only temporary. You are better able to keep the emotions that you want and work through then leave the emotions you don't want. Mindfulness gives you the space for this to happen.
I am hoping that these tools I provide for my teens will help all of us navigate this tender time in their lives together. I know what you are thinking, there is not way I can get my child to practice "mindfulness." My first advice for this is to start practicing it yourself. Once you see the benefits and model the behavior, you will be more willing to get a bit of an attitude when you tell them they need to go for a ten minute walk after dinner each night without their phone. Share with them how much this practice has helped you. Show them that you are calmer and less reactive and that you attribute this to mindfulness.
Other ways you can start the practice is by having quiet time in your home when phones and tv are off. Offer something for them to focus on like an adult coloring book, music, or a meditation or yoga recording. Journaling is also an excellent way to get your emotions out on paper. You could even just take a few moments before dinner to stop and think of three things you are grateful for. All are good starts to beginning a mindful practice in your home. Just think of how much easier you will make teen years for your child and for yourself!
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